Does it count as a slumber party if it’s just you, your dog and a chronological list of every bad decision you ever made?

http://twitter.com/gordonshumway/status/5502802482

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/7737746761

Hey, CNN? Quit saying pythons are “gaining a foothold” in the Everglades. Pythons don’t appreciate irony.

http://twitter.com/sween/status/1566059870

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/8485440055

Only a matter of time, I guess…

Just drove home from work without hitting a single red light. Can’t wait to see what Bank of Karma is going to charge for THAT overdraft.

http://twitter.com/luckyshirt/status/1634040262

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/8489056831

I just ate so many pistachios that the squirrels at my window started clapping.

http://twitter.com/BrilliantOrange/status/1831080169

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/8620523128

conceptually, i struggle to fully comprehend why showers get dirty.

http://twitter.com/echuckles/status/817521677

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/8801285226

Ah! America sometimes your like a large friendly dog in a small room. Everytime it wags it tail it knocks over a chair.

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/8978923180

Written in English, that quote would read:

“America, sometimes you’re like a large friendly dog in a small room. Everytime it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.” If you Google some keywords in that sentence you will see it is a quote from Arnold Toynbee:

“America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.”

Doughnuts go great with coffee. Starbucks has lousy doughnuts. Krispy Kreme has lousy coffee. The free market has failed us, comrades.

http://twitter.com/adamisacson/status/1641592947 http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/9133521065

(Although if you look at Kyle’s version, you’ll see that the “d” in “doughnuts” is missing. Kyle is not only un-original, he can’t even copy & paste well.)

Without the internet, I’d never know about all these newspapers closing.

http://twitter.com/badbanana/status/1255632516

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/9175530979

Hugh Hefner is getting a divorce? Well, there goes his conservative Catholic fan base.

http://twitter.com/badbanana/status/3902312497

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/9089809058

I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years.

http://twitter.com/badbanana/status/3145585967

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/8823183605

With The Who performing at halftime, any wardrobe malfunction better involve the accidental addition of extra clothing.

http://twitter.com/badbanana/status/8776668344

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/8777138397

Survival of the fattest? Well played, iPhone autocorrect. Well played.

http://twitter.com/texburgher/status/1202887574

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/9175535197

Mike Rowe to visit Kim Kardashian’s gynecologist.

http://twitter.com/InSoOutSo/status/9081897733

http://twitter.com/KyleKoehler/status/9188201318